It's Dynasty Warriors, in space, with a confusing Japanese storyline and robots. Review done.

Well, OK, to elaborate it's pretty much the same game, except for cut-down in places. You get to play as one of a handful of your favourite Gundam characters (if you have any of course, unlike me who has no freakin' clue what any of this is about, other than it's Dynasty Warriors in space – have I said that enough?) through a variety of storylines that all make about as much sense as going out on the town to get trolleyed and then waking up in one being pushed by some old bag lady who keeps asking if you want some more cheesecake but no thanks very much you're just peachy.

All of the combat has pretty much just been copied and pasted across, so if you like the Dynasty Warrior series then you're probably going to love this, hopefully even more than the first Gundam which was a bit, for want of a better way of putting it – trite. If, however, you've never been a big fan of hitting the same buttons over-and-over in a never ending cycle of “ooh look how many enemies we can get on screen at the same time, regardless of sacrificing our graphical potential” and perhaps instead would rather try and play the game with your fingers nailed to your face to provide more of a challenge than mashing the same bloody button for the millionth time – then I'd perhaps recommend skipping this title for some more worthwhile “private happy alone time” where you might end up killing the same amount in a population comparison but will have a damn sight more fun doing so.

You see, so much time has been spent on trying to combine the essences of Anime, Transformers and those big epic scenes from Lord of the Rings, that something fundamental has been lost along the way. Well, I say “something” but what I'm subtly denoting is that it is indeed the fun that has been squashed between the burly masculine inner-thighs of Koei's Godly apparition of game design, that same God who appeared before the developing team wearing his Mighty Pants of Level Design and wielding the Sword of Appropriate Levels of Framerate, shouting “Alright there chaps how's about we make a game that looks like it's aimed for the 12+ market but really all it's good for is to sell to Zoo's where the monkeys can do something other than fling pooh” - he was of course completely mad, but unfortunately Koei didn't see that and actually made it.

So as you can surely tell by now, this bizarre amalgamation of directions meant the game didn't actually have one and instead was left to perpetually fumble with it's own dangly bits like a small child who really needs a wee. Unfortunately, like the caring parent you hold it's hand through a troubling time and come to terms with the problem that you've just spent your hard-earned cash on this title and it's an awfully long walk back to the shop, perhaps getting your hopes up that the game will get better after a few levels, but facing the cold, hard truth that it's likely that all you'll get for the experience is wet hands.

I mean sure, you can vary the combos, and try and enjoy the strategy of the game but ultimately you're doing the same thing each level. A series of fields contain the enemy, once you take out their defensive units you own that field. These fields are dotted around the map and it's down to you to keep them yours, beat up any resistance and hopefully all will go well enough for you to win the day... or the girl... or whatever your flavour of generic, stereotypical reward you want. This is made progressively more difficult as the number of random, forget-their-name commanders increase and the ever-expansive legion of bot-boys to thwack becomes and even bigger bundle of mechanical, maniacal, melodramatic misanthropes.

As you complete levels and take on the bad guys, usually, as with other titles in the same series, the collectables you'd gain were something you can use on a more permanent basis; weapons you could swap around. Now, it's more of a yes or no system, you either want the better item, or you don't. If you select the item that's rubbish, you're given the rubbish item. You see? Strangely enough, in a world where generic robots are more abundant than air – they've derived a system that isn't exactly rocket science. Lets face it, the only reason you'd want to keep coming back to mind-numbing button-mashing is the thought that perhaps, God willing, you could do it more efficiently or at the very least, in new and interesting ways. Alas, it would seem that even should you survive not having your brain turn to mush and leak out your eyes in one last ditch attempt to avert your curiously morbid attention from the TV – your main reward is to put the game down... preferably with a sawn off.

I'd say “in steps the multiplayer” at this point, but I'd seriously have to ask who I hate enough to give the other controller too. Not even Matt gets that privilege – and that's saying something!